Sigh!!~~

I am at my hometown now...feeling home sweet home once I reached my home.Daddy is the most happiest among my family members.But,feeling sad that I cannot study here.They are always arguing and my mom always scolding this and that.Besides,they always open tv in very high volume.I stopped my journey to EOS 3 for two to three days already,I really afraid that I will lag far behind.

I thought once I back my hometown my lifestyle will back to normal but I cannot.My activities are almost in the midnight hours and my sleeping and resting hours are in the morning.What a messy life I have had since I joined medicine....Is it the reason I gain weight?Lecturer told me that acute stress will lose weight and chronic stress may gain weight.

Something frustrating me recently.Even I eat less but I still gain my weight....Is it like what my friends said...It's oedema??I have pitting oedema before but i hope that i am not as severe as what I think.However,this problem makes me feeling suffer while going out to meet friends or relatives.This is also one of the reason that I never go out since I reached my hometown.I feel phobia to see others.....That's why I am afraid that my self-esteem is going to monitor my heart,my thinking,my emotions,my actions and my mind.....

Regarding to my constipation.My friends asked me to do for the colonoscopy but it's too expensive to me.Recently daddy got financial problems and I think I am the one who uses most of his money.Actually I have family history of having polyps in the colon and this was happened to my niece and relatives.But,fortunately it was benign and can be removed.So,what should I decide to do?Go for colonoscopy or let the problem be there?

Aiks...anyway,now nothing is important than my coming EOS 3.I really panic and nervous about it since my senior told me that he messed up everything in this final exam.Seriously speaking,I'm not confident in it at all.I wish god may bless me pass my exams and also my OSCE since I did badly in my mock OSCE.Let's try my best to work it out instead of feeling sad about my worst ICA result!!~~Gambate!!~~

Celebration~~

Kee Qian and Woon Wee gave me a surprise to Sunway Shopping Complex and they said it was a replacement for my birthday because they knew that I was not at KL during my birth.I was very happy that they are willing to share their precious time with me and I really enjoyed when hanged out with them...


At first, I was quite sad that although friend's birthday I always share my time with them and give them surprise but now only two of them willing to come n give me surprise....but I cannot be so selfish...maybe they are busy preparing for their exams...Through this day,I can know who are really treating me with true hearts and who are not...Let's forget about sad things and talk about my precious moment in Sunway with both of them....


We reached there in the afternoon n we have our lunch in the Italian Restaurant...OMG!!It was very expensive...actually they wanna pay for me but I refused.Finally I paid for them...the foods there are delicious and we spent more than one hour there >.<>

Well..after our high calories lunch,we went to shopping...I was very happy that I got a free teddy bear from Skin Food that day..I was quite lucky haha~~Although Woon Wee seldom buy things when shopping with us but today she was a shopping queen as well...She bought many whitening products to whiten her sunburned face under more than 6 hours hot and bright sunlight...I and Kee Qian did buy things too...Three of us walked from the begginning until the end of the shopping complex but not tiredsome at all...maybe long time never go shopping...that's why we are like "dai hiong lei" that day oo...haha...

Before we back home,we went for dinner and dessert as well....They insisted to spend me eat Korea BBQ....It was delicious hehe....I ordered for the "spicy kimchi sup + rice" wheareas they oredered the fried rice n "spicy taufu sup"...Dinner was not as expensive as lunch but we are full as well.....After dinner,we shopped around in Sunway because we wanna find any dresses for Woon Wee because she is going to attend her friend's wedding dinner....however,we didnt find any suitable dresses for her...

It was a meaningful day to me....I really love them...I regret I didnt know them early in my life....They are friends who I can share everything with during my path to achieve my dreams...They are not only giving me advices when I failed but also encourage me all the time.....I really appreciate them....Thank you very much,Kee Qian n Woon Wee....

Miss

I had submitted my assignment this afternoon but I was too careless that I forgot to change my mistakes before I submitted it and yet I very very regret now T.T because I cannot change my post after I submitted it.

I went to Mid-valley last saturday.Once I stepped in the shopping mall,I felt upset because the moment I walked pass every shops,images of my siblings appear in my mind.I missed them very much.When I saw girlish stuffs,I thought of my mui mui.When I saw children clothes,I thought about my little brother,Wen Jun.I bought somethings for them that day but I didnt look stuffs for myself.I really hope to see and argue or quarrel with them.Haha,although they always disturbed me last time when I was at home, it was quite funny and I think nothing better than now.

What's my results from that day?I bought a scarf for my sister,Tine Tine because last time she told me she wanna a stylish scarf in decoration for her clothings.I bought a tiny car model for my little brother because he likes car.He can remembers what car with what model although only primary 2.This is because he loves to read my daddy's cars' magazines.Of course he doesnt know how to read those words,but he prefers to ask my dad what models those cars are.I really appreciate his memory skill.I also find a cute hairband for my beautiful sister,Jinq Erl and of course,for Pin Pin,I bought a orange pencil case with cute decorations because she likes orange colour.

Exam is coming soon,less than 2 weeks.I was really afraid and panic.There are a lot to study although that is only a 3 hours exam.Maybe I am stupid so everything just cannot stay tight in my mind.Aiks,my my brain is leaky.Anyway,I must add oil and do my best.I must not fail my summative in-course assesement!!!!!

Hidden Anger

This is about me and my housemate...not the junior housemate but the housemate who is same batch with me.Firstly,my ex-housemate jiun wu is the victim.Last time before Sem 2 started,Jiun Wu was the earliest who came back KL and yet once he reached,he failed to go inside the house coz Siao Wei put a new lock on the gate door.She shouldnt do that coz she knew jiun wu earlier than her came back KL.Finally,Jiun Wu didnt sleep in Bukit Jalil and he went to a fren's house in KL central I think.





Secondly,Jiun Wu the victim too~~Siao Wei asked us to pay her rental fees every month before 1st of the next month,so jiun wu's mom paid at around 28 or 29th of each month.Suddenly,she chased us in paying rental fees and set a new law to us!!~~Rental fees must be paid before 25th of each month or else she will asked for penalty!!~~What a new rule,why I never see it in my contract before??





Moreover,actually I and Jiun Wu quite dislike her but I didnt show out coz I think maybe she is stress so treat us so cool.Although jiun wu always said sth to hurt her but I advised jiun wu not to do that so.If I went out last time,I sure bought some foods or stuffs for her but jiun wu always scolded me y I wanna treat her so good since she treated us like that.Everytime if she has anything to tell us ,she wont tell directly,instead she stick notes outside my room's door!!~~Is this a behaviour of a group who living together???





Actually I dont care about all these staffs,but I cannot stand her once last monday I find that I always help her to take her cater inside but she didnt help me and made my cater shared by ants!!~~Actually I quite angry about that but I didnt show out and let it go!!~~I didnt ask her why she didnt do it for me but her impression in my heart is ruined!!~~





Besides,I also quite angry to her coz I wanna share my room with a junior from sdk,Lily.She is very pity coz she have to pay high rental fees without add in all bills and internet fees.She said she willing to buy her own bed,cupboard,table and chair and she is so sincere in hoping me to share my middle room with her coz she felt guilty to use her dad so many money.I very willing to help her coz I know the feeling of saving money for daddy just like what I am doing now!!~~I tried hard to tell Siao Wei and I tried twice but she gave me lotsa ridiculous reasons.What she dont like live in a house more than 4 ppl!!!~~Then is it she cannot have more than 2 children??~~What the contract she signed stated that cannot live more than 4 ppl!!~~But why my contract no such a rule??What the landlord dont like many ppl to disturb her so she doesnt wanna to give me the no. of landlord!!~~Aiks,but isnt the contract I have a portion too??I do pay but where is my consumer's right???She did such a cruel thing to me made me seldom smile to her recently.Usually I used to be the first one who greet her coz she normally treat me transparent.She walks pass the living room without saying or looking at me although such a big size yen sitting there!!~~





I kept everything inside my heart and didnt tell daddy or argue with Siao Wei.I respect her.I respect my housemate's privacy.Maybe she likes it.But,yesterday I suddenly realised that she was too greedy to lie our junior housemate!!~~The junior housemate asked her frens to see what books she bought from Siao Wei.Siao Wei asked her to buy her photostated books which I do have.Siao Wei told her that those books are very very useful and sold them each in RM10 but seriously speaking,those books arent worth for even a cent.I can give all to them without recieving any money from them.Aiks!!~~What an innocent girl.I didnt tell my junior housemate about all this!~Why I didnt tell??Coz I respect Siao Wei.Actually few days ago,Siao Wei wrote a heading in her msn:I wanna sell my old books!!~~I felt unfair for my junior.She is too kind!!~~





Actually much to say about but i dont want to talk about others personality!!~~I know the feeling of being the topic of others coz I experienced it before.Everything about her,such as doesnt clean living room since she seldom come out living room and other stuffs hope to be cleared out of my mind so that I can find a new way to love my housemate.Of course,I wont avoid from her if she needs my help.A friend indeed is a friend in need,especially neighbourhood!!~~

Stress again!!~~

Two days ago I suffered from dysphagia and this morning once I woke up,I realised that I got a flu,what a sad news to me.Every bad things happen to me at an instant.But I cannot fall sick because my exam is coming soon.I still have to work hard for many subjects and assignments....

I read through some of my Haematology system's notes yesterday but I felt more and more anxious when I study more and more notes.I started to feel that I was getting more and more stupid.I tried hard to remember my stuffs,I tried draw beautiful mind-maps,I tried remembered things in consonants or vocals but all failed!!~~My brain blur and without direction.I dont know what can I do now and I just stare at notes and nothing reaches my brain.Feeling bored about Haematology system's notes,I changed my option to GI notes.OMG!!~~I felt that I was far behind from lecture's notes....HELP ME!!~~I YELLED FOR MYSELF TO AWAKEN MY BRAIN WHICH IS STILL SLEEPING!!~~Is it too stress and makes me immunocompromised?I think so because I refuse to take in my nutritional supplements and dont have regular meals and sleeping hours.I hope that one who studies medicine will not treat others but personally with illnesses.May god bless me to relief from my stress and pressurized beating of heart sounds?? And get into what I suppose to know and not lag behind!!~~

Besides,something bad happened between me and my friend yesterday.It worsens my previously bad situation...Why she treated so cruel??I really need her help and I dont think what I needed from her will waste her time,money or even deteriorates her health or assets.Jiun Wu~~Jiun Wu~~I hope you come back and assist me!!~~

Cactus

u oo

I have a very weird feeling recently.I feel like I am living someone else life.This life is not belongs to me and this body is not mine.I lost control in doing everything recently.Actually I wanna be strong and independantly just like a cactus......

But I failed to do so,I am so easily affected by someone else feelings recently.I can have more than 8 emotions and feelings only within 4 hours.Where am I and what am I doing?I cry suddenly,I laugh suddenly,I sad suddenly,I happy suddenly.Am I mad?I'm not.But why I do so?I wonder....

Just now my dad made 2 calls to me but I didnt answer them.I didnt tell my dad I was unable to voice out something.I didnt wanna daddy worry about me but I didnt tell him.I think tomorrow I will tell him that I was sleeping while he made calls to me.Seriously speaking,I was waiting for his reply but no reply as well.....Something badly happened to me yesterday and no one knows.I hope it is a hidden scar in my heart because it hurted me badly..... =(

Can I be an independant cactus which just rely on myself?I hope I can.I looking forward to change my bad habits.I am waiting for greater chances to fight for myself.Sometimes,I think I do prefer lonely life at kl here.I enjoy doing my own staffs without others like surfing net,watching movies,cooking and drawing.Yet,I need frens too,I hope others to share shoulders,hands and ears to me occasionally.I am such blur in my own condition.How can I be a real cactus???

Endless Job

My best friend,Qian Qian was sick since she came back from Bangkok.She has flu and a slight fever.I was very worry about her since yesterday we celebrated birthday with Woon Vee because she never have appetite to take meals.I thought she will be better after she took a nap and medicine but this morning while in lectures,she told me that her chilhood asthmatic attack find her again.I was really very very worry about her since last time while I was sick,she is the only one who cares me.

Therefore,I decided to cook porridge for her since she wanna eat porridge.This is the first time I cook porridge and actually I never learn it before.Yet,I was very happy once she told me that my porridge was very very nice and she liked it very much.This is not a pure white porridge.There is chicken and egg inside boiled with organic yellow and red rice...Although the look from photo is quite ugly but it tasted delicious without any seasonings and the main thing is my fren prefer it...So,dont judge a book from it's cover.....




Today is also an absolutely stress day to me...I still havent finish my assignments and revision for lectures.nobody can help me except myself.The greatest enemy of mine is myself,I should fight for my devil inside my heart.Actually I always find that what my brain is thinking is not what I am doing.I always plan perfectly for everything that I shall do in order to achieve my aim and goals but I cannot even do a minute part of it occasionally.That's the failure of mine.Just like the chinese saying,"Thunder is heard loudly but there is no rain".I shall not repeat my mistakes again or else there will be many endless jobs .

Stress

What a stress day to me...

There are a lots things not yet done...

My lectures notes on monday not yet glance through and also today's notes...

Today is my fren Woon Vee's birthday,we went to midvalley celebrated her birthday...

I didnt blame her coz I'm willing to share my time with her to enjoy with her...

Happy Birthday Woon Vee...and also my lovely sister,Pin Pin...I find my sister yesterday at almost 3am but I think she was slept so didnt pick my phone....

I was frustrating about my staffs now...There are a lots of staffs to do,my lectures' notes,my problem based learning issues,my assigned independant learning assignments and also my clinical skills unit of phisycal examination of gastrointestinal system.Besides,my Haematology system also never well-prepared.Exam is coming soon...on 6thNov but time flies away and I lost my own path in chasing it,I'm lack of confidence ,lack of guidance,lack of time mangament,lack of self monitoring,lack of self-study,lack of proper planning,lack of support,and everything.

I wanna cry!!!Yet my heart tells me that I should be strong!That's my choice!I should love what I have chosen.Who can accompany me walk through this?Now is only the beginning,am I too vulnerable?I should not give up,maybe this is a learning chance to me.Life without challenges is not perfect!!I must add oil to do my best and I wont let myself regret for every decision that I have made....Yen!BE STRONG!!!!

Wishes

Just woke up from a 9hrs sleep,and now I was full of energy.I find that after I leave Sandakan last year,my sleeping,working,studying,eating hours and everything are getting into a mess and never regular as before.I occasionally bath around 4 or 5am and what a ridiculous bad habit is that I prefer to have sleep after sunrise or after my class.Everytime I woke up I saw I have many missed calls from daddy and the highest record is 15 missed calls....

I remembered that once I first came IMU,a totally new environment to me,I was not familiar with it.apart from that, I often missed my family and friends in my hometown.No one accompanied me came that time,my mom came with me but she went back hometown after 2days of shopping with me.Though daddy always made calls with me but I really felt lonely here and fear always arose without awareness.The recording of the first week of orientation week still runnung in my mind now.That was the first time I met one of my best friends now in IMU,SAU LEE.Besides,I also met my fren,Vannessa when I first stepped to my hostel.She is from Zimbabwee and she was very nice.I learned a lot from her.We used to study together and she was the only one who was beside me the night of my birthday last year,the night that my relative who is very close to me left me away and passed away from a seriously suffering and horrible disease...

That's why yen started to hate her birth since last year.She refuse to celebrate her birth even her friends want to do so.Sweet memories with her will be immortal in my mind and her advices and thought will no longer disappear or vaporised from my brain.I love her very much!~~Actually my birthday wishes for last year is hope god can bless her relief from suffering from her cancer but the cruel fact told me that she left me before my wishes reach the god....This is how cruel FATE might be most of the time~~

Feelings

I have been insomnia for few days....

What is the reason?

I used to sleep a lot previously....

I seldom get dreams or nightmares last time....

but why terrible scenes always appear in my mind while I

am sleeping now?

What had happened?

Yesterday,my beloved daddy phoned me from sandakan.Once I heard his voice,tears like wanna rushing out without awareness....What had made it happened?I wonder...Is it I homesick?Is it I alone?Is it I face any challenges or difficulties?Is it I stress?I wonder....Eventually I control my feeling,I avoid from let him know that I was kinda sad yesterday,I dont want my daddy worry about me.He is a great father to me,although he is not perfect in his personality,he used to work hard to support my big family.He stricts to me because I know he cares me.He scolds me because I know he wants me to be good.Daddy phones me everyday and sometimes I will feel tired to reply his question.He repeats the same questions everyday and he always find topics to talk to me.He is my newspaper reporter.He used to tell me everything in the news everyday.Since I have a great daddy,why I wanna tell him what I had suffered here??

I prefer to put secrets and all my feelings in my heart.I prefer to bury them into my heart and let it be scar.A true hearted fren is not easy to find.A true hearted best fren who can understands you and considerable is more difficult to find.Previous days,I always show my unhappiness through my facial expression,surrounding frens and people always me why always unhappy but I replied them nothing.Now,I learn to keep my things inside my heart and wont show my feelings on my face.But isnt it suffer and pain?I used to it...

Fellow and frens,dont be afraid to be fren with me,I am not moody,but there is really a lot of stories inside my heart,I always fail in expressing what I want to tell to you only....Actually I am a good listener and I can share many experiences to you..So,please DONT FORGET ME,I am glad to be fren with everyone!!

Art

I love drawing and painting...

I hope to draw a bright and colorful future and life for myself...

I hope to share my colourful and joyful experiences with others through pictures...

I love to send my deepest heart messages to those who appreciate them through pictures...

Now, my academic staffs are getting busy and I have not enough time to enjoy my painting and drawaing moments....

I really miss those precious moments.... T.T

Doing What U Love

I choose my attitude.If I want to,I can enjoy almost any job,am I?

Attitude towards every job very important. You will feel energetic while you choose the right attitude in doing things...you will feel lazy while you never ever take into consideration what you are doing. But neither attitude to me is same....I always failed in reaching my goals....failed in doing things...Am I too stupid?Am I not paying enough attention to my work?Am I never work hard to achieve what I hope for??

It's possible to be paid to do what u love?

Many people belief that work is meant to be a drag.Wrong!millions of people have a ball at work and get paid for it.Doing what you love is not pulling in a pay cheque for lying on a tropical beach.It is having a passion for something - and putting all your love,energy and creativity into making it work.It is taking risks. And usually,it is having to make it work just so you can feed yourself!

I was upset because sometimes I dont know what I really want,I figure it out and what is closest to it,I 'll tr to go from there but opt forr what you love to do is not what you will be doing for your future most of the time...It's just for temporary satisfaction and enjoyment.It may helps me relax from a stressful lifestyle and pressurized atmosphere.Everyone love to do what they like to do but most of the time the world,fate and time are cruel to let us go for what we love....

Colour

What colour do I?Red?Orange?Yellow?Green?Blue?Indigo?Purple?Grey?Black?White?....

Someone told me before I was GREY in her mind....
Why she say so?It's because she said I have a heart which is hard to look through...I am too moody....No one know what is hide inside my little heart...I always without smiling in my face....Frustrations are always shown on my face and no one can guess what is happening to me....

Someone told me I am RED...
He said I am energetic without tiredness most of the time...I pay attention while doing things...I can make many friends....I am always affected by surroundings and environment and also others emotions....I can kindly treat true friends and also those who are different status,such as,elder people,kids,etc...

In my opinion,I am GREEN....
Why do I say so?I am quite shy and coward in some conditions...I am undetermined in some conditions....I am always looking too far for my life and dreaming for my future....I prefer to have a fresh mind most of the time and in order to relief pressure from stressful lifestyle,I prefer to opt for crying,shouting and singing loudly where I am alone...

No matter what colour am I,I am the only I....
No one knows me better than myself...

Our subconscious mind is a collection of all our thoughts.

Our most common thoughts have created our strongest subconscious behaviours.

Life

It has been quite a few days my left hand fingers lost feeling,getting numbness and with poor blood circulation,it was cold and capillary refill is more than 10seconds....I'm quite worry about it...because i occasionally get odema and swelling of legs...

One year ago,before I went to IMU,I went for a blood test...In the blood test,everything is ok but I had a very high C-reactive protein levels which means there is high acute inflammations in my body and high bad cholesterol and total blood cholesterol count...I thought this is nothing to be worried about since I like seafoods very much and the moment I went to blood test,I had a slightly cough...

The second time I went to blood test,my report was ok but I have lack in Hep.B immunity so I went for vaccination but few months ago..I went for blood test again..I got shocked because my blood cholesterol was extremely high and I was quite afraid..my daddy has high blood cholesterol so I dont worry if I have so but recently my health status turns bad...I always feel blood rushing to my head and my ears and face always reddened but my fingers and toes are cold and pallor in colour...

Is it any diseases with me?I hope I dont have....but recently many bad news happened around me....Life is chemistry!!Yesterday,I got a bed news from my dad,my fren who I knew him since primary school years passed away in a car accident...I got shocked while I heard it and tears dropping without control and awareness....Last Sunday,my fren told me that I have a primary school mates left me and passed away....

What is life means?Why everyone work hards to enlighten their life with joyful events but a sudden death ruin what they had hardly built for many years...I am fortunate...I shall not always complaint for anything...I should pray for the unfortunate.....I shall pray god to bless everyone....Everyone that I meet should be valued,they might just appear once in my life...

Life is precious..I love everyone...I love my family,frens,relatives,buddies and even strangers from all forks of world....

Love and Fear

How do you love someone?

Total acceptance is unconditional love

When we are angry,we are scared.

I angry because I scared losing something.

When we are worried,we are scared,

How can I worry about sth if I have no fear?

When we are jealous,we are scared,

Jealousy is fear...

Lurking behind anger,jealousy,worry,depression, I always find fear.

When we admit our fears,we move away from making other people wrong.

But if love and fear are the two principal emotions,wouldnt that mean many ppl are scared?

Lots of people are scared out of their wits - scared of looking silly or looking fat,scared of losing jobs,scared of losing face or losing money,scared of being burgled,scared of growing old,scared of being alone,scared of living and scared of dying......that's why they act so crazy!Fear never no longer exist in my life....I scared for everything....

What makes ppl who scared feel better??

Being loved!

sunrise vs sunset

This is the first time I write blog. Always afraid to be viewed by others but actually lotsa things wanna share with others....

SUNRISE vs SUNSET....someone told me that sunrise gives us one day more hope and yet sunset brings us one day less life.... Actually to me....sunrise is a new day of challenge and pressure but sunset tells me that I am going to fight with an enemy,myself.

Medical students' lifestyle actually not that boring,but what we need is the speed and smart.Lectures really bring me into a lot of new things but I always find myself quite tough in coping it...everything is not as easy as ABC...lectures 2 hrs a day can lead to 2 days of continuous self study.....What we learn in lectures cannot be put aside after lectures and study when examination comes nearly is just taking risk to resit....

Stress always come to my brain,i stress while going to lectures because I afraid lag behind from others,that's why I study before lectures if I have time normally....I stress while going to Clinical Skill Unit,I afraid my nightmare appears in my mind again because I was scolded badly by PRof. in front of my group one week ago,I felt myself very tiny in my batch....I stress while exams,I afraid I fail my exams,I afraid resit,I scared daddy disappointed,I scared resit my whole sem....
Although stress always comes to my mind but I still very lazy....I have one week holiday for HAri Raya,but I have fun for 4 days already,why till now i still cannot find a push to study??
Sem3 is the heaviest sem that I have faced since last year...cardiovascular system and respiratory system is already enough tough to me and yet now i just finished hematology....gastrointestinal system was just started few days ago...I find that I have no enough time to study,everyday after class,I was tired and bored while I read notes....
After class,i have to cope with my self selfish behaviour.Study is not only for myself but for many so can I be cruel to give up my choice?cannot!!!

Do you prefer sunrise or sunset?